how long has it been? goodness.
is there still a need for this space?
perhaps.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Friday, March 30, 2007
我像个残废, 飞不出你的世界
I'm fucking useless.
Why do I always end up in such situations.
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
If its not gonna work, its not gonna work.
Have to make a choice between what I want and what I REALLY WANT.
When it comes to the crossroads, I can't just sit there.
I must seize the day.
Looks like I haven't gone anywhere even after so many years.
Things really haven't changed.
If I don't find out what it is soon, everything's gonna come crashing down once again.
Sometimes I just want to run away.
Leave the country.
Leave this planet.
Find myself out there.
Appearances are deceiving indeed, don't you agree?
I'm fucking useless.
Why do I always end up in such situations.
Decisions, decisions, decisions.
If its not gonna work, its not gonna work.
Have to make a choice between what I want and what I REALLY WANT.
When it comes to the crossroads, I can't just sit there.
I must seize the day.
Looks like I haven't gone anywhere even after so many years.
Things really haven't changed.
If I don't find out what it is soon, everything's gonna come crashing down once again.
Sometimes I just want to run away.
Leave the country.
Leave this planet.
Find myself out there.
Appearances are deceiving indeed, don't you agree?
Saturday, February 10, 2007
epiphany of the day.
You appear to others around you as a person who is simply 'laid back'. From time to time you shelve your ambitions and forgo the desire for prestige and recognition and you are often considered as mentally lazy. You have the ability and you are the first to know this, but you prefer to take things easy and indulge your longing for comfort and security.
You are in need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special, that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don't find that 'special someone' and resolve your problems very soon, you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society.
Enough is enough - but the problems never seem to stop. They never stop. You feel, and maybe you are right, that the problems seem to go on and on and you have indeed had more than your fair share of trials and tribulations. But to give you credit - you bounce back time and time again - you stick to your beliefs because deep down you have that inner knowledge, that 'belief' system that in the end, everything will turn out OK - and you are right -it will!
You are frustrated and stressed. You appreciate the finer things in life but at all times you appear to stay aloof, critical of everything and everyone about you. You will not be carried away by your emotions and you refuse to trust anyone or any situation unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore, you keep a strict and watchful control on your feelings as you must know exactly where you stand at all times. You demand complete sincerity as a protection against your own tendency to be too trusting.
You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.
woah. those few paragraphs really sum it all up for me, of my current state of affairs. and its oh so true. freaky indeed.
You appear to others around you as a person who is simply 'laid back'. From time to time you shelve your ambitions and forgo the desire for prestige and recognition and you are often considered as mentally lazy. You have the ability and you are the first to know this, but you prefer to take things easy and indulge your longing for comfort and security.
You are in need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special, that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don't find that 'special someone' and resolve your problems very soon, you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society.
Enough is enough - but the problems never seem to stop. They never stop. You feel, and maybe you are right, that the problems seem to go on and on and you have indeed had more than your fair share of trials and tribulations. But to give you credit - you bounce back time and time again - you stick to your beliefs because deep down you have that inner knowledge, that 'belief' system that in the end, everything will turn out OK - and you are right -it will!
You are frustrated and stressed. You appreciate the finer things in life but at all times you appear to stay aloof, critical of everything and everyone about you. You will not be carried away by your emotions and you refuse to trust anyone or any situation unless genuineness and integrity can be absolutely vouched for. Therefore, you keep a strict and watchful control on your feelings as you must know exactly where you stand at all times. You demand complete sincerity as a protection against your own tendency to be too trusting.
You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.
woah. those few paragraphs really sum it all up for me, of my current state of affairs. and its oh so true. freaky indeed.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
mixed feelings within.
it's strange really, that with the passing of 06 & the arrival of 07, i merely let this moment slip by, without any serious reflections, without any contemplations for the future. as for resolutions, well nothing was achieved on that front this time round, which makes me wonder why. did i just get too caught up in all the activity happening around me? did i just lose myself in the midst of all these events, that i forgot the most important things that really matter?
basically 2006 was a year of change, from the date of ORD-ing, making the transition from a military life somewhat to a normal civilian life, losing some pittance of independence on the financial side, becoming once again solely dependent on my parents for survival, and getting used to becoming a student once again. where do i even begin to find myself? where do i even begin to start thinking like an individual once again, free to explore uncertainty in my life once again?
don't want to think back too much on the past of 2006, made too many mistakes, realised that in life, only certain things and people really matter, and those are what you've got to hold on to at all costs. cause you know that at the end of the day, you'll want them standing beside you. really grateful for the people that have been there, really grateful that i still have them. sometimes its cool and its fine to go it alone, to be the lone ranger and rough it out, but there are times, and there are many indeed, where all you really need are people who can share your joy, your pain, your agony, your triumphs. they don't need to say anything inspiring, they don't need to do anything. all they've got to do is just be there, simple as that. and that's enough to make your day.
and as for results, i'm fairly disappointed with myself, for good reason at that. although i could say that with all the disappointments and failures in my life, this is just another notch in my book, but no. its got to stop somewhere along the line, and it has to stop now. i haven't been seriously true to myself, true to what i've supposedly set out to achieve for myself. true to what i promised myself. and its the worst feeling in the world, knowing that you could have achieved so much more, gave so much more, and falling short in the end. its enough to make a grown man cry, trust me.
made a tough choice today at the team meeting, told the guys that i'm taking a break from the team to concentrate on dance until the end of the production. and somehow deep inside, i didn't feel good at all about this choice, perhaps cause i know that down the line, i've got to make the decision between hall and the team. its impossible to balance both, and still satisfy the requirements for academic performance. i know i'm no genius, i'm no study wizard, i've got to put in the effort to sustain and get decent results to get by. so its simple, its one or the other, not both, and i'm gonna have to decide soon, once the season ends and the new semester comes around. its really killing me inside, because i really want both to work out, but i know thats asking for the sun & the moon. i'll have the remainder of this first 6 months to find out.
and as for emotional matters? i haven't really been giving it much thought till recently, where perhaps i've been having too much time on my hands, and my mind's been running wild. i asked my friend, would you go after someone knowing that she's already taken? he mentioned that may the best man win, which i agree with, but thats seriously bastardly behaviour, and thats fucking selfish. imagine if i were the guy, how would i feel if someone came in and stole the show? its just not right. but when is it ever right? when do you know whether to make a move, or just hold back and wait for your turn to arrive? what if your turn never comes? what if you just let the best thing pass you by? would you want to spend the rest of your life in regret? would you want to lie on your bed, thinking over all the chances that you let slip over the years? don't live with the knowledge of not knowing what might have been, but live with the mistakes of efforts made, knowing that you gave it your best shot, and you had nothing more to give. perhaps.....
it's strange really, that with the passing of 06 & the arrival of 07, i merely let this moment slip by, without any serious reflections, without any contemplations for the future. as for resolutions, well nothing was achieved on that front this time round, which makes me wonder why. did i just get too caught up in all the activity happening around me? did i just lose myself in the midst of all these events, that i forgot the most important things that really matter?
basically 2006 was a year of change, from the date of ORD-ing, making the transition from a military life somewhat to a normal civilian life, losing some pittance of independence on the financial side, becoming once again solely dependent on my parents for survival, and getting used to becoming a student once again. where do i even begin to find myself? where do i even begin to start thinking like an individual once again, free to explore uncertainty in my life once again?
don't want to think back too much on the past of 2006, made too many mistakes, realised that in life, only certain things and people really matter, and those are what you've got to hold on to at all costs. cause you know that at the end of the day, you'll want them standing beside you. really grateful for the people that have been there, really grateful that i still have them. sometimes its cool and its fine to go it alone, to be the lone ranger and rough it out, but there are times, and there are many indeed, where all you really need are people who can share your joy, your pain, your agony, your triumphs. they don't need to say anything inspiring, they don't need to do anything. all they've got to do is just be there, simple as that. and that's enough to make your day.
and as for results, i'm fairly disappointed with myself, for good reason at that. although i could say that with all the disappointments and failures in my life, this is just another notch in my book, but no. its got to stop somewhere along the line, and it has to stop now. i haven't been seriously true to myself, true to what i've supposedly set out to achieve for myself. true to what i promised myself. and its the worst feeling in the world, knowing that you could have achieved so much more, gave so much more, and falling short in the end. its enough to make a grown man cry, trust me.
made a tough choice today at the team meeting, told the guys that i'm taking a break from the team to concentrate on dance until the end of the production. and somehow deep inside, i didn't feel good at all about this choice, perhaps cause i know that down the line, i've got to make the decision between hall and the team. its impossible to balance both, and still satisfy the requirements for academic performance. i know i'm no genius, i'm no study wizard, i've got to put in the effort to sustain and get decent results to get by. so its simple, its one or the other, not both, and i'm gonna have to decide soon, once the season ends and the new semester comes around. its really killing me inside, because i really want both to work out, but i know thats asking for the sun & the moon. i'll have the remainder of this first 6 months to find out.
and as for emotional matters? i haven't really been giving it much thought till recently, where perhaps i've been having too much time on my hands, and my mind's been running wild. i asked my friend, would you go after someone knowing that she's already taken? he mentioned that may the best man win, which i agree with, but thats seriously bastardly behaviour, and thats fucking selfish. imagine if i were the guy, how would i feel if someone came in and stole the show? its just not right. but when is it ever right? when do you know whether to make a move, or just hold back and wait for your turn to arrive? what if your turn never comes? what if you just let the best thing pass you by? would you want to spend the rest of your life in regret? would you want to lie on your bed, thinking over all the chances that you let slip over the years? don't live with the knowledge of not knowing what might have been, but live with the mistakes of efforts made, knowing that you gave it your best shot, and you had nothing more to give. perhaps.....
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
to the days ahead.
Best parting words
From, of course, the winner of the Lifetime Achievement for Best Quote, Andre Agassi:
"I think we can find excuses in life or we can find inspirations. I've always tried to find inspirations."
-- Sept. 3, 2006, after playing his final match
Best parting words
From, of course, the winner of the Lifetime Achievement for Best Quote, Andre Agassi:
"I think we can find excuses in life or we can find inspirations. I've always tried to find inspirations."
-- Sept. 3, 2006, after playing his final match
Thursday, November 30, 2006
emo mo emo
Cold- Wasted Years
There's a game life plays
Makes you think you’re everything they ever said you where
I’d like to take some time
Clear away everything I've planned
Was it life I betrayed?
For the shape that I'm in
It's so hard to fail
It’s not easy to win
Did I drink too much?
Could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
If I could change my life
Be a simple kind of man
Try to do the best I can
If I could take the sides
I'd derail every path I could
An I'm about to die
Won’t you clear away from me?
Give me strength to fly away?
Was it life I betrayed?
For the shape that I'm in
It's so hard to fail
It’s not easy to win
Did I drink too much?
Could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted tears
There's nothing left but wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
Was it life I betrayed?
For the shape that I'm in
It's not hard to fail
It’s not easy to win
Did I drink too much?
Could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted tears
Was it life I betrayed?
There's nothing left but wasted years
For the shape that I'm in
There's nothing left but wasted years
Did I drink too much?
There's nothing left but wasted years
All those wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
Was it life I betrayed?
For the shape that I'm in
It's not hard to fail
It’s not easy to win
yup very emo this week. but heck, i'll be out of it once tmr is done.
balls to the wall, lets get it done!
Cold- Wasted Years
There's a game life plays
Makes you think you’re everything they ever said you where
I’d like to take some time
Clear away everything I've planned
Was it life I betrayed?
For the shape that I'm in
It's so hard to fail
It’s not easy to win
Did I drink too much?
Could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
If I could change my life
Be a simple kind of man
Try to do the best I can
If I could take the sides
I'd derail every path I could
An I'm about to die
Won’t you clear away from me?
Give me strength to fly away?
Was it life I betrayed?
For the shape that I'm in
It's so hard to fail
It’s not easy to win
Did I drink too much?
Could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted tears
There's nothing left but wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
Was it life I betrayed?
For the shape that I'm in
It's not hard to fail
It’s not easy to win
Did I drink too much?
Could I disappear?
And there's nothing that's left but wasted tears
Was it life I betrayed?
There's nothing left but wasted years
For the shape that I'm in
There's nothing left but wasted years
Did I drink too much?
There's nothing left but wasted years
All those wasted years
There's nothing left but wasted years
Was it life I betrayed?
For the shape that I'm in
It's not hard to fail
It’s not easy to win
yup very emo this week. but heck, i'll be out of it once tmr is done.
balls to the wall, lets get it done!
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
late night musing.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep. -Robert Frost
wicked.
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep. -Robert Frost
wicked.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
knnbccb.
i'm just fucking pissed all of a sudden.
i don't know why.
somehow alot of things just came to mind.
epiphanies and all.
makes me want to hurl.
makes me want to smash something.
unleash my violent tendencies within.
fuck this.
i'm so much better than this.
why do i always have to settle for shitty things.
things that i don't really want.
things that i don't deserve.
its number one or nothing.
winning isn't everything.
its the only thing.
and i only want to win.
if you don't want to.
you must be fucking out of your mind.
no one plays for the plate.
no one plays for runner up.
its all about the gold baby.
its all about the cup, the trophy.
the fucking statue that they build in your honor.
who remembers who came in 2nd, came in 3rd.
who really cares.
cut the bullshit.
cut the crap.
don't be a fucking tease.
don't show it to me and then ask what the hell are you looking at.
don't play with me.
don't try to fuck with my mind.
don't make me do things that i hate to do.
don't make me say things that i don't want to say.
don't make me become what i despise.
just. don't.
if this is what the world has to offer.
guess its time to show it what i've got.
time to chew it out, spit it out.
grab it by the balls.
dammit.
i'm just fucking pissed all of a sudden.
i don't know why.
somehow alot of things just came to mind.
epiphanies and all.
makes me want to hurl.
makes me want to smash something.
unleash my violent tendencies within.
fuck this.
i'm so much better than this.
why do i always have to settle for shitty things.
things that i don't really want.
things that i don't deserve.
its number one or nothing.
winning isn't everything.
its the only thing.
and i only want to win.
if you don't want to.
you must be fucking out of your mind.
no one plays for the plate.
no one plays for runner up.
its all about the gold baby.
its all about the cup, the trophy.
the fucking statue that they build in your honor.
who remembers who came in 2nd, came in 3rd.
who really cares.
cut the bullshit.
cut the crap.
don't be a fucking tease.
don't show it to me and then ask what the hell are you looking at.
don't play with me.
don't try to fuck with my mind.
don't make me do things that i hate to do.
don't make me say things that i don't want to say.
don't make me become what i despise.
just. don't.
if this is what the world has to offer.
guess its time to show it what i've got.
time to chew it out, spit it out.
grab it by the balls.
dammit.
Monday, November 20, 2006
????????
I can't believe time has passed so fast, it just seems like yesterday that i was still in college, still doing time for the nation, still enjoying myself in the states and hk, still enjoying the first few weeks of undergraduate life in hall. And now? I'm off busting my ass, trying to get down to some serious studying. And not succeeding. I thought i got it all together, got my game down pat. Knew what to do, what not to do.
And yet, i feel even more confused than ever. Searching for something that will drive me, something that will fuel the flames of desire. Question though... Desire for what? That's whats driving me off the wall. Its cool, i mean, i've always asserted that uncertainty is a wonderful thing, it keeps us on our toes, it lets us know that we're alive and free. But somehow its turning around on me, and biting me in the ass. Somehow i don't really care for this uncertainty at this point in time. I need something to anchor me down, something to keep me grounded. Not necessarily someone i.e. a relationship, thats just not what i'm looking for. Of course it doesn't hurt anyone to have a booty call once in awhile, but thats not the way to go. Enough of all the shit that i've gone through in the past. I'm just closing the door perhaps. But was it ever open in the first place? Something to ponder over definitely.....
How do you know whether 2 people are made for each other? How do you even begin to understand the dynamics of human relationships? How do i even begin to explain all the weird things that always happen to me? I actually asked her that night, don't you think we have a very strange relationship between us? And i believe she actually began to give it some real thought after that. I mean, circumstances in the beginning were already incredulous by anyone's standards, with one thing leading to another. And it crashed and burned as always. Then it picked up again after a year. Talk about a boom and bust cycle. How apt indeed. I don't even know what i feel these days. Its just not normal. Normal people don't get involved with people like that. Or do they? After turning our backs to each other just now, i wonder what was running through our minds. Was it similar? Were we thinking of the same thing? Of the same person? I don't know.... It just won't work. Rationally speaking. But how rational are we in reality? Don't we always just want to break the rules? Do as we please. Even though in the end it might just hurt everyone involved. Been there, done that. Its probably not worth it. Right?
I miss those days of innocence. Cherish it while you can, cause its something that won't come back.
I can't believe time has passed so fast, it just seems like yesterday that i was still in college, still doing time for the nation, still enjoying myself in the states and hk, still enjoying the first few weeks of undergraduate life in hall. And now? I'm off busting my ass, trying to get down to some serious studying. And not succeeding. I thought i got it all together, got my game down pat. Knew what to do, what not to do.
And yet, i feel even more confused than ever. Searching for something that will drive me, something that will fuel the flames of desire. Question though... Desire for what? That's whats driving me off the wall. Its cool, i mean, i've always asserted that uncertainty is a wonderful thing, it keeps us on our toes, it lets us know that we're alive and free. But somehow its turning around on me, and biting me in the ass. Somehow i don't really care for this uncertainty at this point in time. I need something to anchor me down, something to keep me grounded. Not necessarily someone i.e. a relationship, thats just not what i'm looking for. Of course it doesn't hurt anyone to have a booty call once in awhile, but thats not the way to go. Enough of all the shit that i've gone through in the past. I'm just closing the door perhaps. But was it ever open in the first place? Something to ponder over definitely.....
How do you know whether 2 people are made for each other? How do you even begin to understand the dynamics of human relationships? How do i even begin to explain all the weird things that always happen to me? I actually asked her that night, don't you think we have a very strange relationship between us? And i believe she actually began to give it some real thought after that. I mean, circumstances in the beginning were already incredulous by anyone's standards, with one thing leading to another. And it crashed and burned as always. Then it picked up again after a year. Talk about a boom and bust cycle. How apt indeed. I don't even know what i feel these days. Its just not normal. Normal people don't get involved with people like that. Or do they? After turning our backs to each other just now, i wonder what was running through our minds. Was it similar? Were we thinking of the same thing? Of the same person? I don't know.... It just won't work. Rationally speaking. But how rational are we in reality? Don't we always just want to break the rules? Do as we please. Even though in the end it might just hurt everyone involved. Been there, done that. Its probably not worth it. Right?
I miss those days of innocence. Cherish it while you can, cause its something that won't come back.
Monday, October 23, 2006
you-tubing
check these videos out.
so many things happening these days, sometimes i wonder if i'm overstretching myself, losing my focus and perspective in the process. all part of the journey i keep telling myself,that its all right. but is it really?
too many distractions, too many vices, got to wake up!
check these videos out.
so many things happening these days, sometimes i wonder if i'm overstretching myself, losing my focus and perspective in the process. all part of the journey i keep telling myself,that its all right. but is it really?
too many distractions, too many vices, got to wake up!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
for lack of a better response.
Incubus- Echo
There’s something about the look in your eyes
Something I noticed when the light was just right (oh)
It reminded me twice that I was alive
And it reminded me that you’re so worth the fight. . .ooh, yeah
My biggest fear will be the rescue of me
Strange how it turns out that way . . .yeah
Could you show me dear, something I've not seen?
Something infinitely interesting
Could you show me dear, something I've not seen?
Something infinitely interesting. . .(oh)
There’s something about the way you move
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing (oh, oh)
More subtle than something someone contrives
Your movements echo that I have seen the real thing. . .ooh, yeah
Your biggest fear will be the rescue of you
Strange how it turns out that way . . .yeah
Could you show me dear, something I’ve not seen?
Something infinitely interesting
Could you show me dear, something I’ve not seen?
Something infinitely interesting
sometimes i wish i was brandon boyd. oh yes.
got to sort myself out, get my priorities straight.
don't lose track so early on the journey.
stay focused, stay hungry.
why do these things always happen to me?
why doesn't it ever seem to fit nicely?
why do i feel like i'm the only person that ever seems to understand?
why is it so hard?
i know its hard.
really. i do.
but does it always have to be so?
always fight the good fight.
never throw in the towel.
but is it all just a lie?
in the dark, no one can see you scream.
Incubus- Echo
There’s something about the look in your eyes
Something I noticed when the light was just right (oh)
It reminded me twice that I was alive
And it reminded me that you’re so worth the fight. . .ooh, yeah
My biggest fear will be the rescue of me
Strange how it turns out that way . . .yeah
Could you show me dear, something I've not seen?
Something infinitely interesting
Could you show me dear, something I've not seen?
Something infinitely interesting. . .(oh)
There’s something about the way you move
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing (oh, oh)
More subtle than something someone contrives
Your movements echo that I have seen the real thing. . .ooh, yeah
Your biggest fear will be the rescue of you
Strange how it turns out that way . . .yeah
Could you show me dear, something I’ve not seen?
Something infinitely interesting
Could you show me dear, something I’ve not seen?
Something infinitely interesting
sometimes i wish i was brandon boyd. oh yes.
got to sort myself out, get my priorities straight.
don't lose track so early on the journey.
stay focused, stay hungry.
why do these things always happen to me?
why doesn't it ever seem to fit nicely?
why do i feel like i'm the only person that ever seems to understand?
why is it so hard?
i know its hard.
really. i do.
but does it always have to be so?
always fight the good fight.
never throw in the towel.
but is it all just a lie?
in the dark, no one can see you scream.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
in the mood for desolation.
shinedown - burning bright.
I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning
Burning bright
I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I’ll express, my situation
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning
There’s nothing ever wrong but nothing’s ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I’m born to indecision
There’s always something new some path I’m supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning
I feel like there is no need for conversation
about to start a new life as an undergrad in the coming week, but my steps are those of trepidation rather than anticipation, those of caution rather than reckless abandon. i keep myself guarded, keeping it tight, not wanting to risk anything that i wouldn't be able to afford at this point in time. but talk is cheap, as has been proven so many times in the past. so no point saying anything further. only time will tell..
shinedown - burning bright.
I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning
Burning bright
I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I’ll express, my situation
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning
There’s nothing ever wrong but nothing’s ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I’m born to indecision
There’s always something new some path I’m supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning bright
The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I’m burning
I feel like there is no need for conversation
about to start a new life as an undergrad in the coming week, but my steps are those of trepidation rather than anticipation, those of caution rather than reckless abandon. i keep myself guarded, keeping it tight, not wanting to risk anything that i wouldn't be able to afford at this point in time. but talk is cheap, as has been proven so many times in the past. so no point saying anything further. only time will tell..
Sunday, July 16, 2006
learning to live, living to learn.
so many things to say, so many things on my mind, so many things that i wanna pen down right now, but i simply just don't know where to begin. its always the hardest part isn't it? starting something from scratch, eking out the initial existence of a product that you gotta have belief in in order for it to work, to become something that you can invest time, energy, emotions into, and hope that at the end of it all, it does give you back gratification in return for your troubles undertaken. ok that was like totally senseless, but i don't care, in those kind of moods now, whereby i'm taking no shit from anyone, just doing what i please. so bloody juvenile, and i know it.
last post i made was before i went off for my US trip with kel and shuying, spent 15days in the states, came back an enlightened person in more ways than one, wouldn't say it was all good, but it wasn't all bad either. Overall i'm really glad that i went on that trip with you guys, especially kelvin. Seriously speaking, in all honesty right now, i was worried about our friendship holding up after so many years, although we do know each other from way back in secondary school, you know how people change over time, and sometimes if they don't change together in congruent directions, things might not turn out so good later on? Cause seriously, our paths began to diverge ever since i extended my jc stay, and you went on to band and law, somehow it became different. Thankfully, the trip opened up my eyes to alot of things, before and after, and i'm really glad that our friendship is still holding on after so long, thanks alot bro. you know i've always got your back no matter what.
came back and was worried like hell for my university application thingy, which really doesn't matter, paling in comparision to so many other important things out there, but i had like so much stress inside, even though i look like the type that can't give a shit about anything serious, always being 24/7 horny and talking dirty, cussing just like a typical bochap singaporean. But i do give a shit about alot of things, and alot of people, just that i'm not geared very well in terms of expressing how i feel. anyhow, was like so looking forward to getting into mass comunications in NTU, after i applied for the course on a last minute whim back in april. didn't even think i would get close, after they rejected me back in 2004. this time i got to write a short piece online, which probably helped my cause for entry greatly. so i went for the interview, brought my a-game, and guess what happened, they figured i was more of an economics person, and gave me econs instead of mass comm. WTF man. seriously. that was quite shocking for me, cause i felt i did give my best for the interview. so down to appeals, and i know lightning doesn't strike twice nor thrice. felt i wouldn't make it, and i was right, so yeah here i am, doing arts in NUS, hoping it all turns out good. positivity and optimism are definitely essential pills for the duration of the course, no shit sherlock...
then i went on the HK trip, which was like so rushed,and i managed to get weng to come along as well, thankfully!! would be so boring if he didn't come!! i was hoping that the trip would open up our eyes on this friendship between all of us, marc john caiyi & weng, cause when you travel together, you really see a person for who he/she is more in depth, as compared to meeting up every now and then for an afternoon outing or clubbing or whatever. thats just a nice facade that we put up for people to deal with. no such thing when you live and travel together, you can't act 24/7 for sure. like how shihui busted up with wendy after only a week together in Utah, man that sure sucks, having to spend a few months together, can anyone say mental torture and awkwardness?? anyhow i was glad the hk trip was great, although the truth or dare we played on the first night was a wee bit too truthful i must say!!! overall it was good, had some things that i was not too happy about, but its normal i guess. not enough sleep is also another factor haha, just stay out of each other's way......
ok a veryginna post here, but i said what i had to anyhow heh.
relationships are a very tricky thing, when do you know how much to compromise, and when not to? should you even have to? i mean, if the glove fits, it fits. if it doesn't....well?
so many things to say, so many things on my mind, so many things that i wanna pen down right now, but i simply just don't know where to begin. its always the hardest part isn't it? starting something from scratch, eking out the initial existence of a product that you gotta have belief in in order for it to work, to become something that you can invest time, energy, emotions into, and hope that at the end of it all, it does give you back gratification in return for your troubles undertaken. ok that was like totally senseless, but i don't care, in those kind of moods now, whereby i'm taking no shit from anyone, just doing what i please. so bloody juvenile, and i know it.
last post i made was before i went off for my US trip with kel and shuying, spent 15days in the states, came back an enlightened person in more ways than one, wouldn't say it was all good, but it wasn't all bad either. Overall i'm really glad that i went on that trip with you guys, especially kelvin. Seriously speaking, in all honesty right now, i was worried about our friendship holding up after so many years, although we do know each other from way back in secondary school, you know how people change over time, and sometimes if they don't change together in congruent directions, things might not turn out so good later on? Cause seriously, our paths began to diverge ever since i extended my jc stay, and you went on to band and law, somehow it became different. Thankfully, the trip opened up my eyes to alot of things, before and after, and i'm really glad that our friendship is still holding on after so long, thanks alot bro. you know i've always got your back no matter what.
came back and was worried like hell for my university application thingy, which really doesn't matter, paling in comparision to so many other important things out there, but i had like so much stress inside, even though i look like the type that can't give a shit about anything serious, always being 24/7 horny and talking dirty, cussing just like a typical bochap singaporean. But i do give a shit about alot of things, and alot of people, just that i'm not geared very well in terms of expressing how i feel. anyhow, was like so looking forward to getting into mass comunications in NTU, after i applied for the course on a last minute whim back in april. didn't even think i would get close, after they rejected me back in 2004. this time i got to write a short piece online, which probably helped my cause for entry greatly. so i went for the interview, brought my a-game, and guess what happened, they figured i was more of an economics person, and gave me econs instead of mass comm. WTF man. seriously. that was quite shocking for me, cause i felt i did give my best for the interview. so down to appeals, and i know lightning doesn't strike twice nor thrice. felt i wouldn't make it, and i was right, so yeah here i am, doing arts in NUS, hoping it all turns out good. positivity and optimism are definitely essential pills for the duration of the course, no shit sherlock...
then i went on the HK trip, which was like so rushed,and i managed to get weng to come along as well, thankfully!! would be so boring if he didn't come!! i was hoping that the trip would open up our eyes on this friendship between all of us, marc john caiyi & weng, cause when you travel together, you really see a person for who he/she is more in depth, as compared to meeting up every now and then for an afternoon outing or clubbing or whatever. thats just a nice facade that we put up for people to deal with. no such thing when you live and travel together, you can't act 24/7 for sure. like how shihui busted up with wendy after only a week together in Utah, man that sure sucks, having to spend a few months together, can anyone say mental torture and awkwardness?? anyhow i was glad the hk trip was great, although the truth or dare we played on the first night was a wee bit too truthful i must say!!! overall it was good, had some things that i was not too happy about, but its normal i guess. not enough sleep is also another factor haha, just stay out of each other's way......
ok a veryginna post here, but i said what i had to anyhow heh.
relationships are a very tricky thing, when do you know how much to compromise, and when not to? should you even have to? i mean, if the glove fits, it fits. if it doesn't....well?
Thursday, June 01, 2006
as one door closes, another opens.
old time cliche, but it holds so true.
finally ORDed yesterday, but it was a non-event.
anti-climatic to say the least.
goodbye military life ; hello civilian world.
and then?
makes me wonder even more.
makes me want to contemplate all the life changing decisions that lie ahead.
free of the safety net, its all in my hands now.
i have to step it up, get my shit together after stagnating for 2 years, got to start waking up to the realities and stop pulling the covers over my eyes, its the real world out there and nobody's gonna spoonfeed me any longer. time to take responsibility for my actions, and stop being such a bum. been bumming for too long already, and it has to stop.
looking forward eagerly to my upcoming US trip in less than 2 weeks, and we still haven't fully finalised all the details yet!! but nvm, i work well under pressure haha so no worries, i'm sure it'll be all good! only bad thing is my diet will be off for 2 weeks, and i've just started to get back on track tsk tsk. looks like more work when i get back! better not drop down too much, otherwise i won't be able to keep up with the program already......right.
food for thought: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
old time cliche, but it holds so true.
finally ORDed yesterday, but it was a non-event.
anti-climatic to say the least.
goodbye military life ; hello civilian world.
and then?
makes me wonder even more.
makes me want to contemplate all the life changing decisions that lie ahead.
free of the safety net, its all in my hands now.
i have to step it up, get my shit together after stagnating for 2 years, got to start waking up to the realities and stop pulling the covers over my eyes, its the real world out there and nobody's gonna spoonfeed me any longer. time to take responsibility for my actions, and stop being such a bum. been bumming for too long already, and it has to stop.
looking forward eagerly to my upcoming US trip in less than 2 weeks, and we still haven't fully finalised all the details yet!! but nvm, i work well under pressure haha so no worries, i'm sure it'll be all good! only bad thing is my diet will be off for 2 weeks, and i've just started to get back on track tsk tsk. looks like more work when i get back! better not drop down too much, otherwise i won't be able to keep up with the program already......right.
food for thought: If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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